Monday, 19 January 2009

Existential Crisis

Derived from Existentialism, is the psychological panic and discomfort experienced when a human confronts questions of existence. This phenomenon, presumably, is common to technologically-advanced cultures, wherein physical survival is not life's priority.

An existential crisis results from:

  • The sense of being alone and isolated,
  • Grasping one's mortality; a belief that there is no afterlife or that the afterlife is negative; and
  • Believing that one's life has no purpose or external meaning.
I thought I was fine but maybe I've been fooling myself all this time I seem to have reverted back to my old ways of feeling inadequate, like a complete loser, alone and caring, really caring It actually matters I know it's only teenage angst, but it doesn't make it any easier Even when I'd found someone who understood me, or didn't care that they couldn't, it seems I'm even more deluded than previously thought. They don't understand me either Or find it charming or exciting They don't want to understand me Or discover my deepest, darkest and most beautiful thoughts I want to know all these things about them Understand their mysterious ways Know what they are thinking It's not just this one person. It's the people, the friends, I am closest to. It seems even they misunderstand me. No they don't I don't tell them anything for them to misinterpret. Well I do obviously, but not the feelings i so desperately want to share. I sometimes find with girls that they are so worried about upsetting one another that they feel they must constantly reassure, when all you want them to do is just listen. Not say that your being silly and are a good and beautiful person You want them to listen And Actually I guess I want them to say they feel the same way too But when you're friends are beautiful, popular and lovely people they don't They don't share your emotions No one does. You are entirely your own person. In fact, I don't even understand myself so how can I expect so much of others?! I'm questioning what my life is about What will I do in the future Will I get into St Martins? Will it be for the best? What afterwards? Will I make it to the final show? Will I become a successful designer? Will I be a happy one? Or a lonely one? Will I meet like minded people, who aren't too cool to be seen with me? Will I find that one person who does understand me, or makes being understood seem irrelevant? Will I ever stop worrying about the future and asking ridiculous answerless questions?! End of yet another self-indulgent rant

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